we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
