I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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