you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
