You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
