good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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