drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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