you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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