Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
