my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
