Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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