I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
