theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
