This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I need a beard to bite.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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