i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
