I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
