420 ftw
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize