If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
