is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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