By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
