next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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