wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The air was thick with penises
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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