yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
