dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
