You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
