my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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