Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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