I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
