he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
