Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
