Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
