so let's talk penis.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
