I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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