I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize