i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
