i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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