seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
