I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize