i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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