Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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