I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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