The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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