My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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