Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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