I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's shark week go big or go home
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
