I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Im part way to drunk.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
