I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The uberlube is also flammable
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
