we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
