My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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