Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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