so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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