I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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