my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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