I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
