I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
