i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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