I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
