I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
