It's a beautiful day for a hangover
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
