Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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