first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
