What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
