My girlfriend figured out who you are.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
