I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
this is an emotional support booty call
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
