For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
